PRINCIPLE 18 |
Many people are parents. Fewer people are successful parents. Producing a baby is one thing. Nurturing and guiding a child to become a self directed and responsible young adult is another.
Christian parents need to draw upon all that their Christianity affords them to face the challenge of parenting. Prayer, guidance from Scripture, their own example of consistent Christian living, and the support of the church will all make a significant difference. However, in this chapter our concern is not with the unique advantages that the Christian parent has, but with the basic psychological guidelines which apply to any home, Christian or not.
Unfortunately the word "discipline" has a very narrow meaning in many people's minds. To them it means only punishment. Some even view discipline so narrowly that they see it as opposed to love. But the Bible teaches that discipline is part of love (Hebrews 12:6). Discipline properly understood includes both positive and negative instruction, example and demonstration, clear communication of expectations and consequences, rewards and encouragement as well as punishment. Neither one alone, the positive or the negative, is sufficient. The positive is needed to keep the child on the right path by making the path clear and attractive. The negative is needed to help the child return to the right path when he begins to step in a different direction. A parent who feels that the negative is sufficient will find his children attracted elsewhere. The parent who feels that the positive is sufficient is simply being unrealistic about the child's tendency to test the limits and go his own way.
In view of the negative meaning often attached to the word "discipline," we will use a different phrase that is meant to emphasize both the positive and the negative: "practical guidance." Since there is an overabundance of literature on this subject of the practical guidance of children in the home, our discussion here is quite abbreviated. This chapter and the next present ten key guidelines for parent-child relationships.
Parents should begin early to aim for responsible independence, emotional stability, and self-discipline.
A child needs to grow, and he needs to grow up. Both of these processes are gradual. Being a grown-up includes responsible independence, emotional stability, and self discipline, and parents need to begin encouraging these adult traits quite early. Some parents are satisfied with mere conformity as the goal. If their children obey them, they are pleased. But conformity to the parents' instructions is too shortsighted to be the legitimate goal of family nurture and practical guidance. Having a goal of conformity assumes that the child will always have a benevolent authority in charge of his behavior. Part of the parents' responsibility is to prepare their children to make their own decisions and their own contributions to society rather than merely following the directions of others all their lives.
Certainly obedience is expected, particularly from younger children. Children do need to learn to respect and respond to their parents' authority (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20). But parental authority does not last forever. Childhood in general, and adolescence in particular, are times of gradual transition to adult maturity. Parents who set their sights low and merely continue to demand obedience are not doing as much as they should to help the child learn to think for himself, make prudent decisions, and in general govern his own behavior and future, things which hasten the day when the parents can relate to their children as fellow adults and friends.
Each child is unique. Thus, the parents' approach to nurturing and guiding each child must also be unique.
Even though two children have the same two parents and are brought up in the same house in the same general atmosphere, they will still have many differences. They may have different physical capabilities, different mental aptitudes, different energy levels, different verbal skills, different social skills, different needs for affection, different ways of showing affection, different hopes and aspirations, different needs for sleep, different levels of responsiveness, different levels of musical ability, different strengths of will, different tastes and preferences, and many other differences.
Parents will not always be able to treat every child the same. Although consistency is important, no parent should be so consistent that he is insensitive to a child's unique needs and abilities. Telling one child he should be like another is definitely wrong. Being sensitive to each child's individual makeup and treating him accordingly is definitely right.
Parents should do all they can to meet the organismic needs of their children.
All children have inner drives, or organismic needs, which motivate their actions. (See the list of organismic needs in chapter 6 and the chart of the place of organismic needs in motivation in chapter 7.) Perhaps the must crucial needs for the parents to meet are those that are listed as social needs. The child needs to feel wanted and secure, to feel as though he has his own important place in the family, that others understand him and want to be with him. He should receive plenty of affection and love. And his actions should often be recognized, approved, and praised. Underlying all of these needs is the basic human need to feel worthwhile. Both through verbal means and through more subtle means the child should hear often that he is worthwhile.
Parents should cultivate a positive, yet realistic, self image in their children.
A child gains a picture of himself from his parents and friends, and from his actions. What others say about him, and how they respond to him, and his own assessment of his abilities and weaknesses come together to form his image of himself. This self image, or self concept, is cognitive – it is what he thinks he is like. His reaction to his self image is self worth or self esteem – it is how important he thinks he is and how well he likes himself. Hardly anything is more crucial in governing moods, choices, and reaction patterns in the individual than his self concept and his self esteem.
A child needs assuring (but honest) feedback from adults and peers so that his resulting self concept is positive, yet realistic. Of course, he will need to learn that he has sinned. But to be a sinner is not to be worthless, at least not in God's eyes, for "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). So the basic theme of human self worth does not need to be neglected, even during evangelism.
Children are imitators by nature. Parents need to exemplify what they want their children to imitate.
"Monkey see, monkey do" is more than a witty phrase. It expresses a very significant truth which parents need to keep in mind. Children will imitate us and others, both our desirable and undesirable behavior. The child who sees or hears someone else's actions or speech either makes use of it soon or remembers it for use at an appropriate time. His senses are constantly looking for clues that will help him know how to behave in certain situations, as well as what behavior he can get away with. And the best type of clue is a real live demonstration by one of his parents.
This puts a heavy responsibility on parents in two ways. First, parents will find their children reflecting their own speech, behavior patterns, even facial expressions, gestures, and attitudes. At times parents will find this amusing; at other times it will bring them up short. But children probably learn more from their parents by imitation than by any other means.
If there are certain attitudes and values that we want our children to have, they must be consistently displayed year after year in our everyday contacts with the child. It is not enough merely to tell the child what values and attitudes to have. That is not the way values and attitudes are learned. He will catch our attitudes and values, even the ones we hope he doesn't notice.
Second, parents must be aware of who and what their children are observing, such as friends, literature, music, television, and computer games. A child who receives no guidance will imitate the level of the culture that surrounds him. The neglectful parent may then be shocked when he finds out how much his child learns through imitation. Parents have the opportunity, and the responsibility, to govern much of the input their children receive, and in turn this will significantly influence what they learn and how they live.
Parents must remember to accept their children as children and be patient with their normal immaturity.
Even though all of us who are parents have very high hopes for our children, we must remember that being childish is acceptable during childhood. Obviously, this is a matter of degree. A six-year-old should not act like a two-year-old. It is all too easy for parents to forget what it was like to be a child and thus expect too much too soon. If we expect perfection from the child, he will develop a low self image which can hamper his interpersonal relationships and achievements for the rest of his life.
This guideline must especially be applied in the emotional development of the child. Parents must consciously work at accepting their children's feelings, no matter how unreasonable those feelings might seem to the parents. Many parents unwittingly squelch communication with their children when they say, "You shouldn't feel that way." The fact is that he does feel that way. And when his parents don't accept those feelings as legitimate, the child knows that they don't understand him. He soon learns not to try to communicate his feelings to them, and the parent-child relationship takes a turn toward the mechanical.
Parents need to help their children identify their feelings, then evaluate them, and finally govern those feelings. If feelings are denied, the child cannot even get started in the process. The more parents can learn to face and discuss their own feelings, the more they can help their children learn to do the same.