PRINCIPLE 19 |
This chapter continues the parenting guidelines begun in the previous chapter.
Parents should gradually adjust the strictness of their parenting style to the age of the child.
Some parents feel that consistency means always expecting the same of their children and always reacting the same. However, a child needs a different parenting style when he is in preschool than when he is in high school. At a very young age a child should learn that his will is not the only one in the world, and that he is not the only person with desires and preferences. In particular, a young child needs to learn that his parents' will (that is, his parents' decision) often prevails over his own will. He needs to learn to accept this as a fact of life.
For the young child, a relatively strict parenting style is appropriate. A teenager, on the other hand, needs to have plenty of opportunity to make his own decisions, and even to make his own mistakes, which requires a considerable amount of freedom and encouragement from the parents. Some adolescent independence must be viewed as a good thing. If the adolescent does not learn to make his own choices and live with them, he will never become a genuine adult. During the middle childhood years, the parents should be making a gradual transition from the strictness of early childhood to the relative freedom of adolescence. A style which is firm, yet reasonable and flexible, is best. Thus the parenting style is determined in part by the age of the child.
Parents frequently violate this guideline in three different ways. One way is to start strict and stay strict until the teen (who is still being treated as if he were a child) rebels in order to attain the independence that should have been gradually given to him. A second way is to begin too lenient, hoping to let the child express his own pleasant nature and reason with him when necessary. But young children do not reason the same way we do, and we soon find that his nature is not always as pleasant as we had hoped. And if we persist with our lenient approach we rob the child of something very important – that basic lesson of obedience which every child should learn very early in life. If he never learns to live with "No" when he is young, we can be sure that he will find it much more difficult to live with "No" when he gets older.
This, by the way, is the meaning of Proverbs 22:6, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Many have taken this verse as a promise to parents that, if trained properly from infancy, the child will live according to that training for the rest of his life. However, in the Hebrew this verse literally says "Train up a child according to his way," and the most likely antecedent of "his" is "child." Thus, the point of the verse is that, if we try to train a child by letting him have his own way, when he is old he will always want to have his own way. (Compare Proverbs 29:15.)
A third way in which parents violate the guideline is to attempt to become more strict after being lenient for a long time. Ideally, parents should begin relatively strict and gradually, over fifteen years or so, become more and more lenient and encourage more and more independence. But moving the other direction, from leniency to strictness, is much more difficult, if not impossible. If a parent realizes that he has made a mistake by being too lenient, he should not expect that he can suddenly demand total obedience as though his teen were suddenly a preschooler. That is a good way to bring on a disaster.
If all we want is simplicity, we could say that all behavior can be divided into two types (from the parent's point of view), namely, desirable behavior and undesirable behavior. But if that is the only distinction we make as parents, we are sure to respond improperly to our child's actions much of the time. A further distinction is needed. Desirable behavior can be broken down into two categories: compliance and maturity. Undesirable behavior can also be broken down into two categories: defiance and immaturity.
| A question of authority: | A question of maturity: | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Compliance (no reward) |
← | DESIRABLE BEHAVIOR |
→ | Mature behavior (reward) |
| Defiance (punishment) |
← | UNDESIRABLE BEHAVIOR |
→ | Immature behavior (no punishment) |
Defiant behavior is undesirable behavior in response to a clear directive or prohibition from the parent. In other words, when the parent clearly communicates to his child that he must not do a certain thing, but the child does it anyhow, that is defiance. However, when a child displays undesirable behavior which comes from his lack of experience and wisdom and his general immaturity, that is a different matter. Defiant behavior takes place only when there is something to defy – some clear requirement or restriction from the parent. Other undesirable behavior is merely a matter of immaturity.
If parents keep this further distinction in mind, they can respond appropriately to the various types of behavior. Mature behavior should be rewarded so that it is more likely to be repeated. But if we reward compliance, the child will learn to comply only for the reward. That is, he will have learned to bribe us so that he is obeying us because of the reward and not because of our legitimate authority. Similarly, defiance should be punished so that it is less likely to happen again. However, immature behavior should never be punished. It would be disheartening, indeed, for a child to be punished for acting his age.
A parent can easily turn something that is merely a question of maturity into a question of authority. He does this when he tells the child what the mature action is and makes it clear that that action is expected. Once the parent does this, the child's actions are no longer merely mature or immature, but are compliant or defiant because he is responding to a clear expectation or restriction from his parents. But this does not mean that a parent should do this. In fact, just the opposite is the case. It is possible to have so many do's and don'ts that there is a constant struggle between the parent and the child. Or, if the child is completely compliant, he may become discouraged and "learn" not to think about his actions, but only to comply. It is far better to keep things simple by keeping the expectations and restrictions to a minimum, and to make sure that each one is very clearly communicated and responded to consistently. Also, remember that most aspects of maturity are learned best from example (perhaps accompanied by explanation), rather than from instruction alone.
Parental authority is easily abused. Parents must not dishearten their children.
If we are exasperating or embittering our children, we are abusing our parental authority.
Do not exasperate your children. (Ephesians 6:4)
Do not embitter your children. (Colossians 3:21)
These are commands addressed to parents. Some parents mistakenly feel that the Bible gives them the right to force their children to obey them, but there are no such commands addressed directly to parents. Instead, the commands about obedience are addressed to the children. If parents want to appeal to the Bible, then they should first be sure that they are doing what the Bible tells them to do. So, for parents the first question is not, "Are my kids obeying me?" Rather, the first question with which they should concern themselves is, "Am I disheartening my children?"
Parents exasperate and embitter their children in many different ways. One way is by having too many rules. Having just a few basic rules that are clearly communicated and consistently enforced usually works well. Another way to dishearten children is through inconsistency, which can show up in dozens of circumstances. One parent might not agree with the other. A parent's reactions might be governed by moods -- harsh one day and understanding the next. One child might get favored treatment. The punishment might not be consistent with the disobedience. Promises and warnings might not be kept. Whenever it show up, inconsistency confuses the child and makes it hard for him to learn anything but bitterness from the experience.
When parents are inconsistent and don't keep their word they destroy one of the most essential ingredients in family nurture and discipline: the child's confidence that his parents mean what they say.
The saying, "power corrupts," applies to parents as well as to politicians. When a parent exercises authority just to show who is boss, his is usually meeting his own ego needs rather than the needs of his child. If the child is ever going to learn to govern his own behavior, he needs to learn the reasons for certain choices or restrictions. Whenever these reasons can be understood by the child, they should be explained to him. So when a child says, "Why?" the parent should not respond with, "Because I said so." Instead, the parent should explain his reasons (assuming he has good reasons to explain).
Punishment must be given thoughtfully, not merely as an emotional reaction.
First we need to discuss whether or not physical punishment is even legitimate. Many psychologists and child experts feel that a parent should never use physical punishment on a child. They claim that any parent who strikes his child is exemplifying and encouraging violence. Their criticism of spanking and other forms of physical punishment is certainly justified in some cases. Suppose your preschooler has just clobbered a playmate with his sand bucket. You fly off the handle, spank him, and yell at him, "Don't you dare ever hit anyone again!" But the child is aware that you just hit someone, and it worked for you.
Does this obvious inconsistency mean that all forms of physical punishment should be forbidden? No, but it does mean that physical punishment can be easily misused. Punishment should never be given in a fit of anger. It should never be used to show who is boss, or to work off one's own frustrations.
Two ingredients make spanking different from violence. One is the parent's self-control (which is what parents are trying to develop in their children in the first place). The other is the proper motivation in using physical punishment. Some psychologists might still argue that even with self control and proper motivation, parents who spank their kids are still modeling the sort of behavior they want to discourage. But when the parent is relatively calm, explains the reasons for the punishment, tells or shows the child what he should have done instead, and expresses his love for the child, the child can tell the difference.
Thus, parents must make every punishment a thoughtful punishment rather than a mere emotional outburst. One way to do this is to make sure that the punishment, whether it is physical or not, is appropriate to the "crime." Often you can allow the natural consequences of an action to serve as the punishment. A child who leaves a toy sitting outside overnight will have to put up with a rusty toy. His parents should not be too quick to replace it for him. But many times the natural consequences of an action do not come quickly enough or have enough impact by themselves. In such cases, parents must make sure that there are immediate and significant consequences so that the child "gets the message."
As a general rule, both rewards and punishments should follow an action quickly so that the child can make the connection in his own mind between the action and its consequences. Mothers should not say, "Wait until your father hears about this."
When parents have to add consequences because the natural consequences are not sufficient to teach the lesson, these added consequences should still be appropriate to the disobedience. For example, when a child steals some candy from the grocery store, what consequences should he face? Replacing the candy (or paying for it if he has already eaten it), or an apology to the store manager, or going without candy for a week, or all of these together would be appropriate to the crime and would afford opportunity to discuss the matter with the child. Other consequences that are less appropriate to the disobedience, and therefore less helpful in correcting the behavior, include such old time favorites as a hasty spanking, sending the child to his room, or withholding some unrelated privilege.
While disobedience should be followed by punishment, other things should also follow disobedience. In order for the punishment to have its best effect, it should be combined with such things as correction, instruction, example, and encouragement. The parent's task is not over when the punishment has been given. Remember that discipline is practical guidance -- it is positive as well as negative. Punishment should seldom be the only response of the parents. If parents view themselves as practical guides for their children rather than as resident policemen, they will include both the positive and the negative.